"Fun"tastic Facebook

Facebook is amazing fun....no two ways about it. But with time, I've realized that there are different types of Facebookers : Some that manage to get on to my nerves and some who make me do the ROFLMAO. So, without any ado, here's my Top 10:

1. The type which never puts their actual photograph as their profile pic. It is one thing if you know the person very well. But using your childhood/ filmstar/ natural beauty pic as a proxy for your current unflattering self and expecting me to recognise and then add you as a friend is a bit too much!

2. The "I will take random quizzes and I will populate your Facebook wall with updates on How many times I will get f***ed or How many grandkids I will have or Which filmstar I resemble"

3. The one which lets the whole world know of when they last answered nature's call and when they kept the bedroom window open and felt the cool breeze. A subset of this are those who post those incomprehensible/ melancholic/ depressed status updates to draw sympathy and then come back and say "All izzz weell people..just had loose motions". Sample this:

"i just had cereal. I used to repel it in india. But i had something called chocolate cheereos. I've eaten the cereal, but the milk remains. Now how will i have plain white milk!"

"i'm upset. like, very upset. like, very very upset."

"people keep fucking arnd with me, and I keep thwarting them away...as usual in the end, I love myself :)"

No, seriously you guys need a shrink, not Facebook"

4. The "unwanted PR firm types" who insist on taking extremely embarassing pics and then tag you so that no one in your nosy family/ society/college is deprived of the pleasure of seeing you coil up with the college hottie or lying sloshed down the staircase. Horrors, most of this lot have found a new way to get you noticed; they just tag you in a post!

5. The one who will send you friend requests whether or not they have seen you in the past decade. This category has 2 sets:

a. First, those who just add you and will look through you the next time you pass them.

b. Second, those who act as if you guys are chuddie-buddies and get all "Dude, what's up?" with you.

6. The one who will compulsively comment on all your activities/ photographs/ status updates to let you know how much they care. (btw, these are the guys who make your living on FB more enjoyable...keep up the good work)

7. First came the zombies; biting off body parts and revelling in the pleasure....Then came in the Corleone family wannabes through Mafia wars....Just when you thought it was over, marched in the blue geese and the pink elephants all demanding a portion of your farm and waiting to be fed as well...Oh for variety, there's always Fishville, Zooville, Fortune Cookies, Amora the Love Psychic....Sample this meanwhile:

"Chinmay's Oyster Bed could use a little bit of love" ( Really? If Chinmay himself got more love, he wouldn't be playing these mindless games on Facebook)

"X discovered their Best Friend of the Day and the result was Y" ( You have a best friend of the day; I take ages to make one :)

8. The creepy ones who follow your every single movement on Facebook (basically compensating for the lack of parental supervision) and then announce in a particularly sensitive gathering about how many female friends you have / when you changed your relationship status/ how all you seem to be doing is flirting/drinking/partying etc. etc.

9. The ones with terrible grammar. Some classic examples:

"loveb ya guyzzz.....i llloooovvvvvvvvvbbb yaaaa...misssshhh ya ....:):)n love ya ma frenssss:):)"

"MWAZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ TO SKOL LYF!!!!!!!!!!! "

"hey X hw r u ya hp ure fyn..........aja results out i did well nly............hahahdo tk...ok.........till then see ya....X"

"Tz awsm 2 hv ur own lappi"

10. The ones who desperately need to get themselves a room. ASAP. Sample this:

"tried calling, i think you're sleeping...i was in the shower when you called..."

"shit!! baby I'm so sorry...I only wanted to talk to you so badly..."

"me lovvvie wovvie you sooooo much pumpkin, call me now sugababes" (choke, gag, choke)

* Btw, all samples used here are real and hardly fictitious. It would take an awesomely imaginative mind to come up with those jewels; and I don't have one. I could even point out those who put them in the first place; but only after administering oaths of secrecy :P

Meanwhile, I luuuuurrrvvee Facebook. I have been a victim and yet find it extremely necessary to snoop/update/keep checking for updates every half an hour. Till then see ya......llloooollllzzz :):):) If anyone is offended, then do remember to post it on my wall....I'll like it!

Funny Family-Part III

I love my Mom...there's absolutely no one like her! But she has some quirks which I find terribly funny....So while I definitely believe that she attends the Global Mom's Convention (where Moms all around the world get together to decide on the lines they'll use on their kids), Amma has her own favourite list of sayings....so here goes.....


5. So my mom is perenially concerned I may just elope with someone and land up on her doorstep with a bride in tow...Not that I plan to (too much effort); but it is always great pleasure needling her. So my constant "irritate Amma" talk focus on my plans to marry a girl from some other community!
Battling my charges, my Mom, has come up with a 101-point manual on how only a Malayali girl of her choice can ever be good enough for me! She has come up with faults in every other community to prove how those girls will never be good enough for me :P

4. Having been a day scholar all my life, Amma's been pretty used to see me around the house all the time. So my mom's constant grouse is Bangalore; or rather how I've been "Bangalored"! So, nowadays most conversations begin like this:
"You were so nice when you were in Bombay. What has Bangalore done to you?"
"You valued money and family earlier....What has Bangalore done to you?"
"You loved my food....What has Bangalore done to you?"
you get the gist right? Now, even if I was crossing the road and a meteor fell on me, it would surely get attributed to Bangalore! :P (something like you've become so careless after going to Bangalore...no wonder you didnt see the meteor)


3. My Ma has the uncanny knack of switching on the TV when some "Mother-wala" serial/movie/ad plays along.
So picturise me and Amma in the living room....Ma switches on TV....The ad/movie/serial has a son/daughter/saint extolling the virtues of motherhood and how those who trouble their Moms will in all probability be put into a cauldron full of burning oil and left to their fortunes :(
And now picturise Ma turning back on me with a victorious smile.....


2. While I am a general good boy; whose example is taken by the other mothers in the community to browbeat their errant kids; (or so I am told), Amma has an impossible set of ideals I've got to live up to. That chetan, this bhaiya, that akka: in short most of my Mom's friends' offspring seem to be the epitome of goodness and godliness. All I am waiting is to earn some money and hire a detective to find a chink in these amazing people's armor!

1. My Amma is never wrong....yes, you may not believe me, but after numerous instances of trying to prove her wrong; I've given up. She knows exactly what goes through my mind and can smell a lie from a distance! She could actually put forward the most outrageous claims and somehow God has this partial way of siding up with my Mom and prove her right; all so that she could flash her "I told you so" smile :)



All said and done, this post is dedicated to the most amazing person in my life; my Mom. Amma's been there for me at every stage, a rock solid source of support and unconditional love. Thanks Ma...and in case you ever read this, please let me come back home :)